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Oracle
Acquisition of California A Go!
Leopold Trepper, Staff Writer
Friday August 1, 2003
Redwood
Shores (CA) – In an apparent “one-up" on its
competitor PeopleSoft, the Redwood Shores, CA based business software
company Oracle, has signed a deal for an undisclosed amount in
the acquisition of the state of California.
The recently announced merger comes after a fierce
battle in which Oracle attempted an unsuccessful hostile takeover
of its smaller competitor.
“All we were initially interested in was
the acquisition of PoepleSoft but they decided they wanted to
play hardball,” said Oracle Executive Vice President brother
Charles Phillips, who is African-American and was hired specifically
because of his people’s experience with being acquired.
Brother Phillips added, “But it comes down
to simple economics, we gave up on nickel-and-diming in trying
to fry the small fish and went directly for the big kahuna. Now
there is very little they or anybody can do to stop us. You hear
what I’m sayin’?!”
As serious budgetary concerns and a recall vote
to oust Governor Gray Davis grip California, the merger added
a whole new layer of hope and complexity.
“We are obviously delighted in the prospects
of such a formidable company as Oracle taking the reigns of the
entire state,” Governor Davis stated with a sigh of relief.
Governor Davis unveiled a few of the many changes
that will take effect after the acquisition is complete:
1) Citizens of California will be promoted to
Califoracle Associates;
2) California will be stricken from the State lexicon and replaced
with the more forward thinking, Califoracle;
3) All instances of the word "California" must be replaced
with the new brand, Califoracle--no later than January 1, 2004
(e.g. The State Bar of Califoracle);
4) The ".gov" URL extension will be outlawed in the
state and replaced with the more business-friendly ".com";
5) All media sources must filter their content through new big-business-friendly
Califoracle media restructuring software prior to publication.
While these were only a few of the slated changes,
Governor Davis promised that Califoracle Associates would be kept
abreast of up-to-the-minute news, Associate policy, and other
relevant information through the states new official web site:
www.califoracle.com.
It is not clear how this will effect the recall
vote but Davis sat calmly in a new $6,500 Armani suit.
Oracle
CEO, Larry Ellison, added, “Now I hope [PeopleSoft CEO]
Conway realizes I wasn’t screwing around! When I say I'm
going to acquire something I mean it. Be it your home or a whole
damn state. One way or the other I get what I want." Ellison
was later seen outside the press conference standing defiantly
in front of Conway with his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers
and yelling, "Seeeeee! Na-nee-na-nee-naaaa-neeeee..."
CEO Ellison and Governor Davis emphasized the
importance of associates preparing now for the switch. "We
only have 5 months before the actual transfer, we strongly urge
future Califoracle associates to begin preparing for their new
positions," Governor Davis said.
For more information or customer service, go to
the state web site: www.califoracle.com.
* Califoracle-filtered(R)
News *
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