Why I support the Califoracle merger

by Ronald Reagan

September 2 , 2003

With such an important merger happening in my home state I felt it necessary to declare my support. I humbly accept the Tony Award for Best Supporting Actor in a comedy. I would like to thank the public for giving me this honor. My daughter Nancy has urged me not to attempt this letter but I assured her that if I was once able to obfuscate my involvement with the Iran-Contra affair I would be able to write a little letter of support for the Campbell's Soup Company.

I have always enjoyed the little letters in my soup and I even used to send secret messages to my cabinet members in my bowl. This was especially valuable when meeting with non-English speaking dignitaries. I remember one such time when meeting with Manuel Noriega. He was eating food from his native land, I think it was a taco, and I had a big bowl of vitamin-fortified, all-American Campbell's Alphabet Soup in front of me. I sat there slurping my soup as Mr. Noriega went on about some kind of profit making business of cocaine sales and weapons and some such thing. It sure was a challenge spelling acne vulgaris, pilosebaceous follicle psoriasis and comedogenic eczema. But I was able to spell out "w-e a-r-e g-o-i-n-g t-o w-a-l-k a-l-l o-v-e-r t-h-i-s g-u-y " in my bowl, though I think I had to use some of George’s soup to complete the task. Gee, those were the days.

But back to the matter at hand, I think it's absolutely inappropriate to take down one of the most important soup makers in the free world. It is such companies as Campbell's Soup, Inc. that made this country what it is today. Without Campbell's Alphabet Soup there would be no U-S-A to spell USA. And where would that leave us? When I was a little boy you were always so nice to me. Giving me money to buy candy at the corner store. I wish I could go back to those jellybean-eating days. They were soft and chewy days filled with a wonderful assortment of flavors and colors. I remember sneaking around the corner together and putting those little beans in each other's butts. Our farts would smell good for days. Mother Theresa once showed me this neat trick: if you rearrange the letters of my name you can spell INSANE ANGLO WARLORD. Isn’t that funny?

With that said, I strongly believe that you should go ahead and marry her. If she doesn't turn out to be the one, you can always pick up some candy instead. And think of how good your farts will smell. Nothing is more important than nice smelling farts.

Ronald Wilson Reagan



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