| With such an important
merger happening in my home state I felt it necessary to declare
my support. I humbly accept the Tony Award for Best Supporting
Actor in a comedy. I would like to thank the public for giving
me this honor. My daughter Nancy has urged me not to attempt
this letter but I assured her that if I was once able to obfuscate
my involvement with the Iran-Contra affair I would be able
to write a little letter of support for the Campbell's Soup
Company.
I have always enjoyed the little letters in my soup and
I even used to send secret messages to my cabinet members
in my bowl. This was especially valuable when meeting with
non-English speaking dignitaries. I remember one such time
when meeting with Manuel Noriega. He was eating food from
his native land, I think it was a taco, and I had a big
bowl of vitamin-fortified, all-American Campbell's Alphabet
Soup in front of me. I sat there slurping my soup as Mr.
Noriega went on about some kind of profit making business
of cocaine sales and weapons and some such thing. It sure
was a challenge spelling acne vulgaris, pilosebaceous follicle
psoriasis and comedogenic eczema. But I was able to spell
out "w-e a-r-e g-o-i-n-g t-o w-a-l-k a-l-l o-v-e-r
t-h-i-s g-u-y " in my bowl, though I think I had to
use some of George’s soup to complete the task. Gee,
those were the days.
But back to the matter at hand, I think it's absolutely
inappropriate to take down one of the most important soup
makers in the free world. It is such companies as Campbell's
Soup, Inc. that made this country what it is today. Without
Campbell's Alphabet Soup there would be no U-S-A to spell
USA. And where would that leave us? When I was a little
boy you were always so nice to me. Giving me money to buy
candy at the corner store. I wish I could go back to those
jellybean-eating days. They were soft and chewy days filled
with a wonderful assortment of flavors and colors. I remember
sneaking around the corner together and putting those little
beans in each other's butts. Our farts would smell good
for days. Mother Theresa once showed me this neat trick:
if you rearrange the letters of my name you can spell INSANE
ANGLO WARLORD. Isn’t that funny?
With that said, I strongly believe that you should go ahead
and marry her. If she doesn't turn out to be the one, you
can always pick up some candy instead. And think of how
good your farts will smell. Nothing is more important than
nice smelling farts. |
