The recent debate around homosexual marriage has prompted Califoracle's
parent company, California Hella-Solutions®, to disclose it’s
position on the subject. Simply put, if sodomites agree to a sodomy
tax, Califoracle would be willing to consider the legalization
of homosexual marriages in the state. The system would work like
this: at the end of the year gay men would tally the number of
times they inserted their penis in the anus or mouth of another
man, or consented to another man inserting his penis in their
anus or mouth, and pay a specified amount* for each occurrence.
It is important to note that this tax would not cover sex with
animals. We are currently in the process of drafting our response
to that related issue.
A separate but equal tax would be assessed for lesbians. Lesbians
would be required to videotape themselves having any kind of sex
with their partner, including acts not commonly considered to
be “sex”: massage, mutual masturbation, and reading
erotica aloud. Each video would then be sent to Califoracle, who
in turn would sell the tapes to straight men, thereby generating
revenue. Recognizing that lesbian associates tend to have fewer
financial resources than most other groups of associates, Califoracle
would provide the necessary video tapes and recording equipment**.
In instances where the videos submitted by certain associates
fail to meet projected profits, (due to such factors as advanced
age, unattractiveness of associates, too small of a fetish market,
etc.) those certain associates would have the recording equipment
collected by Califoracle, and those certain associates would instead
be subject to an “unmarketable acts” tax.
Califoracle would conduct random audits of all homosexual associates,
verifying the totals submitted against their own acquired data***.
Those found to be miscalculating or cheating on the tax would
be subject to fines, property forfeiture, castration, clitorectomy,
and could ultimately be required to turn in their associate proximity
reader ID badge and leave the state.
To gauge reaction we conducted field polls and direct-mail market
research of associates statewide. The most common response was
similar to Michael Durante from Walnut Crick, CA who said, "The
average [Associate] is already getting screwed in the ass by the
IRS so I don't see this as a problem. And I can’t wait to
buy the tapes." While some of Mr. Durante's comments suggest
the possibility of double taxation, we are confident that a compromise
with our homosexual associates can be reached.
Only from a progressive, forward-thinking organization like Califoracle
could you expect such efficiency. A sodomy tax would allow all
parties to enjoy equal associate benefits, possibly including
marriage. The tax would satisfy the narrow focus of deeply religious
associates, because it would serve as a deterrent--if an associate
did not want (or could not afford) to pay the tax they would not
engage in homosexual relations. The tax would also satisfy our
homosexual associates, possibly paving the way for Califoracle
sanctioned homosexual marriage. And finally, it would satisfy
our straight male associates, for obvious reasons.
Another simple solution brought to you by California Hella-Solutions®.
*Actual amount to be determined.
**Equipment would be leased at a discount to lesbian associates.
***Califoracle reserves the right to independently collect data
and is not obligated to disclose methods used to do so.
from Ronald Reagan