Califoracle  

Sodomy Tax

The recent debate around homosexual marriage has prompted Califoracle's parent company, California Hella-Solutions®, to disclose it’s position on the subject. Simply put, if sodomites agree to a sodomy tax, Califoracle would be willing to consider the legalization of homosexual marriages in the state. The system would work like this: at the end of the year gay men would tally the number of times they inserted their penis in the anus or mouth of another man, or consented to another man inserting his penis in their anus or mouth, and pay a specified amount* for each occurrence.

It is important to note that this tax would not cover sex with animals. We are currently in the process of drafting our response to that related issue.

A separate but equal tax would be assessed for lesbians. Lesbians would be required to videotape themselves having any kind of sex with their partner, including acts not commonly considered to be “sex”: massage, mutual masturbation, and reading erotica aloud. Each video would then be sent to Califoracle, who in turn would sell the tapes to straight men, thereby generating revenue. Recognizing that lesbian associates tend to have fewer financial resources than most other groups of associates, Califoracle would provide the necessary video tapes and recording equipment**.

In instances where the videos submitted by certain associates fail to meet projected profits, (due to such factors as advanced age, unattractiveness of associates, too small of a fetish market, etc.) those certain associates would have the recording equipment collected by Califoracle, and those certain associates would instead be subject to an “unmarketable acts” tax.

Califoracle would conduct random audits of all homosexual associates, verifying the totals submitted against their own acquired data***. Those found to be miscalculating or cheating on the tax would be subject to fines, property forfeiture, castration, clitorectomy, and could ultimately be required to turn in their associate proximity reader ID badge and leave the state.

To gauge reaction we conducted field polls and direct-mail market research of associates statewide. The most common response was similar to Michael Durante from Walnut Crick, CA who said, "The average [Associate] is already getting screwed in the ass by the IRS so I don't see this as a problem. And I can’t wait to buy the tapes." While some of Mr. Durante's comments suggest the possibility of double taxation, we are confident that a compromise with our homosexual associates can be reached.

Only from a progressive, forward-thinking organization like Califoracle could you expect such efficiency. A sodomy tax would allow all parties to enjoy equal associate benefits, possibly including marriage. The tax would satisfy the narrow focus of deeply religious associates, because it would serve as a deterrent--if an associate did not want (or could not afford) to pay the tax they would not engage in homosexual relations. The tax would also satisfy our homosexual associates, possibly paving the way for Califoracle sanctioned homosexual marriage. And finally, it would satisfy our straight male associates, for obvious reasons.

Another simple solution brought to you by California Hella-Solutions®.


*Actual amount to be determined.
**Equipment would be leased at a discount to lesbian associates.
***Califoracle reserves the right to independently collect data and is not obligated to disclose methods used to do so.

 

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